Most of the people who know me well know that I have bi-polar disorder. Now the ones who don’t know me so well know too. 🙂
It’s been amazing the last few years because I can finally see the signs when a depressive state is coming on. Amazing, but scary. It is kind of like watching a tidal wave coming at you but not being able to run away.
I get insomnia.anger.emotional.anxious about the phone.my self talk turns ugly.at times my heart beats out of my chest.i feel like i need to run away.so many thoughts and feelings running through me.and scared.really really scared because i know what is on the way and i hope it only lasts for a short time. Then it hits and you feel all of the things, but nothing, all at the same time. Life loses it’s flavor. I have to wade through and carry on because I have a family and a life and it has to be lived. It is just lived without me really truly participating in a real way. The most amazing thing is that I’ve gotten so good at it that the only person who knows how deep down it goes is the man who has seen me through 24 years of it. Loved me through literal hell at times. Stuck by my side through things that most men would’ve run from. He is the rock I cling to when I am drowning. He is the guy who I give the pills to when they need to go away. He’s learned that he can’t fix me, he just has to be there. That’s isn’t easy for a man who fixes things. It also isn’t easy to watch the person you love most in the world go through it.
I have also learned that it too shall pass. If I can hang on and keep my people around me, I will be alright. I have to keep telling myself that and take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, sometimes one minute. Just breathe. Remember all of those people you love. Remember remember remember that you are loved. Be brave Marci, just be brave. Get off social media. Stop comparing yourself. You are good enough. You are a good mom. Good wife. Good person. It’ll be ok. It’s just a moment in the grand scheme of things.
and then poof! I’ll start to climb out of the hole bit by bit. I’ll feel like washing my hair again. I’ll stop binge watching depressing shows like Hoarders and my 600lb life. I’ll want to go outside. I won’t be scared of the phone (it’s a real thing…I don’t know why). I’ll put real pants on. Then one day it’ll all be ok. Maybe for 6 months, maybe for 9, but I know eventually the cycle will start over. It’s what life is like when your brain doesn’t quite work like it should. Thank God for the medication I take or it would be even worse. But I know that when I feel good I have to enjoy life to the fullest. Love fiercely, give the good hugs, taste the food, smell the flowers, really look around me at all of the beauty, pay attention. I store all of those things up inside of me and they pull me through. I really think the thought below and I bank it. I keep it in my heart. I create a mantra, in a way, that I can tell myself when things get bad. I want this, this, and this and even when I am at my worst I can remember what I truly want for my girls, my family, my love, me. I want beautiful things for this life of mine and they are worth holding on to.
Why do I tell you this thing that can be so embarrassing?? This big ugly truth about myself? This horrible, icky, weakness of mine? Not because I want attention, or sympathy, or anything for myself, really. I want YOU to know you aren’t alone if you go through these same things. I want you to know that it’s not something that is wrong with you as a person, it’s a neurological disorder that is no different then if you had any other disease. Honor yourself. Listen to your body and mind and be ready for the tidal wave. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Breathe, deeply. Take the medication. Talk to the therapist. Take yourself to the mountains or the ocean and spend some time to quiet all the noises in your head. Sing really loud in the car while you drive to the middle of nowhere (that really works for me!). Most of all, know you are not alone. You are loved. There is always a new day tomorrow. Keep going. You are braver than you know. If you have someone you love and you watch this cycle, over and over again, year after year, know that they appreciate you, love you, and feel guilty that they put you through what you go through. But they can’t help it. It’s part of the package. The sucky part of the package, but part of it none-the-less. Chances are they are also passionate, brave, and caring and they love in a way that is deep and strong. Take care of yourselves too. Give yourself a day away. Take time to do something that you love. You don’t have to dive into the depths with your loved one. Give yourself the permission to not know how to help them. You have NO BLAME for what is happening. Remember that you also have a life and it’s ok to live it to the fullest!! You are brave and strong and good.
I understand feeling all alone and that no-one cares but I PROMISE YOU there are people who care. Reach out and talk to someone. My therapist once told me that if you tell someone you are suicidal it takes the thought out of play in your head. If you keep it inside it bounces round and round and round. Here is a great resource, it’s confidential, but it’ll get the thought out.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
You are loved. You are good. You are important.