So I think I may have made up my mind to do this already when I popped out of the womb.
I don’t have any recollection of that period of my life so I’m not sure, but I think that’s the case. I’ve always been a little quirky. I say things without thinking, my thoughts didn’t fit in with the norm, I like to do things that others around me think are crazy.
It is not the easiest way to live life. You spend a great deal of time feeling like you don’t quite fit in. So then you try your hardest to morph into whatever you need to be to fit in. But here’s the deal, you are still a square peg in a round hole. YOU KNOW that you are a square peg in a round hole. The need to fit in at some point overcomes your little wild heart though and you try as hard as you can to just be round. I wanted so much to have everyone like me that I went against some of my core values to do it. I felt as though all of my self worth should come from what others thought of me or what I could do for them. I didn’t for one second think that self worth could come from what I thought of myself. Duh. I ended up feeling so much shame and guilt that I lost myself completely and gave up caring about what even happened to me. My case is extreme. I seriously did NOT go my own way.
Fast forward to 40ish. Yes, it took me a long time to figure this all out. That’s when I realized that something REALLY wasn’t right and that it hadn’t been right for a REALLY long time. Hello mid life awakening. After much work, and a few long years, I feel like I am finally ok going my own way. (most days)
I am going to be dead honest about what those few years looked like. Sadness, loneliness, anger, a little crazy, some more crazy, way more sadness and loneliness and anger. It is losing friends and people close to you. Making decisions that aren’t smart sometimes. Making people worry. Opening up your soul so things get in that shouldn’t. Trying to figure out what you really stand for and what that looks like. Questioning what your core values are and finding out that you aren’t being true to them. Making people angry. Realizing that you have taught others how to treat you and it isn’t good. Having to reteach people how to treat you, that isn’t easy. Sticking up for yourself. Saying the things that have needed to be said for a long time. Putting space between you and people who are toxic for you. Learning it’s ok to say goodbye. Learning that you aren’t responsible for other people’s happiness or sadness or guilt or shame or any of it! They are! Yeah, it isn’t pretty (at least in my case). I was deeply entrenched in living my life to try and fit in to that little round hole. So entrenched that I had passed that thought process onto my own child. Thankfully she is stubborn and just went her own way anyway. She taught me a lot of lessons in a short amount of time. This process became known as “my journey” and not in a good way. It got thrown at me in moments of tension. It wasn’t easy for those closest to me while I was on “my journey” and they weren’t shy about letting me know. I hurt them. They hurt me. It was the hardest time in my entire life and that is saying something. A really good therapist is a good idea. 🙂
I am also going to be dead honest about where I am now. I still feel lonely sometimes. I still want to fit in and be the popular girl sometimes. I have to do a little inventory when I start feeling that way. As long as my little family of 6 is ok and we all love each other, that is all that matters. At the end of the day they are my tribe, my loves, and the most important people to me. That puts it into perspective quickly. Sometimes I wish I could go back and just fit in no matter how hard it would be, because I miss the easy road. I have a few friends that I trust, am able to be vulnerable with, and know love me no matter what. I am ok if you don’t like me and if I don’t like you, there are people that I just don’t fit with. As long as you and I can be respectful of each other; that is what makes the world a better place. I don’t have to talk badly about someone to make my feeling legitimate. That was a problem for me. My expectations of people were not realistic and I would get hurt or offended easily. I have to be patient with other people and let them walk their own path. I am careful where I place my trust. I protect my peace fiercely if needs be, my heart and soul deserve to be protected. I can forgive easier, be more patient, give more grace, and show more love to those I couldn’t before. I still have work to do and am constantly learning how to be a better person because I know it will be a life long process.
So, sister (or brother), I know it is hard. You aren’t alone. If you feel like you are trapped in a life that isn’t who you REALLY ARE it is ok to change, no matter what age you are. It’s ok to take a good hard look inside and see which parts of you are not being represented correctly. It’s ok to show other people how to treat you better, but you have to do the work and be willing to say goodbye if you need to. It’s also ok to say goodbye sometimes. Love your people hard and surround yourself with people who will do the same for you. Stand up for yourself, use your voice, and be proud of that quirky little wild heart that is still in there somewhere. Nurture those parts of you that are authentic and true. THE REAL YOU IS BEAUTIFUL AND WORTH SHOWING TO THE WORLD.
I’m going to sneak a little shameless plug in here. Taking Soul Restoration was the first thing I found that told me it was ok to be myself. I deserved to be happy and loved for just who I really was. It gave me permission to find my voice and use it. Did it just make everything all better? Nope. But it gave me tools to use along the way. I feel like it is part of my story to teach this to other women. I know the gift it was to me and I always like to share the good things in life. We would love to have you join us in the Art Cabin in January for our Workshop. I promise it will be something you’ll never regret. There are 5 spots left and we would love for you to fill one of those spots.
Be authentic, be true to yourself, and protect your peace. GO YOUR OWN WAY!!